You know that moment when you think you're going to be a terrible teacher...

Well, I had that moment this week. And it was not pleasant.

As I mentioned in previous blog posts, I'm currently in Term III of the Teacher Ed Program! This is wonderful news, because 3 is more than half-way through 5 and by the end of this term it will be 5 months until graduation! Wow!

In my opinion, Term III has been the most fun assignment-wise. I have to come up with four small group lessons, teach them, film/audio record them, and analyze my teaching. Everything I learn will go on a comprehensive website that will serve as my capstone assignment. Before I dive into the experience that made me think I was going to be a terrible teacher, let me give you a bit of context. Here's what I have done so far and what I have yet to do:

• Social Studies - I taught a lesson on identifying problems and solving them using the STAR Method, which stands for Say (what the problem is), Think (about what to do), Act (do the thing you thought about), and Reflect (how did I handle the problem?). This was the first lesson I did with my small group, and although I think it went well, the lesson had a bit too much content in it. I possible should have worked on just identifying problems, or on teaching them the first two steps of the STAR Method. I found the STAR Method a bit difficult to work with because it really is making the implicit, explicit. Kindergarteners identify and solve problems all the time without anyone telling them how to do it. Sometimes teachers have to step in, but most of the time if a problem is within their ability to solve, they can figure it out. But, the STAR Method will hopefully come in handy when they have to identify and solve problems that are outside of their comfort zone/experience level. 
• Math - Grab and Count! Most of my students have a really firm grasp of counting. A lot of them can count all the way up to 100 (with a few missteps here and there - mostly in the tricky teens), and they are also able to write their number words up to ten (meaning they can write the words "one, two, three…"). In this lesson, I had my students grab a big handful of objects, count them, and come up with a way to represent them on paper. Some of them traced the objects they picked up, some of them drew and labeled them, some of them just wrote the number and then drew a picture of the cat…it was fun.
• Literacy - Retelling a story with the beginning, middle, and end. "Key details" are all over the Common Core Standards for Literacy. Originally, I wanted to teach students how to retell a story using the setting, characters, beginning, middle, end, and something else. Then I did my Social Studies lesson and realized that was WAY too much for one lesson. I wanted to teach them less, but in more depth so they would really understand and remember it. So, I thought that beginning, middle, and end of a story would be enough. I've written two drafts of my lesson plan and am currently emailing back and forth with my professor about part of it. Haven't taught it yet!
• Science - Okay, so technically I already did Science with a group of fifth graders at another school, but I really want to do a Science lesson with my kids! Need to think more on this…but quickly, since the clock is ticking!

So, here's what happened during my Math lesson. It took place in the library right before dismissal on a half day. My Penn Mentor was observing me, as was my partner student-teacher Anna (who is one of my favorite people from Penn!). I picked the same 6 kids to do all of my lessons with because I'm experimenting with different pairings and seating arrangements. One of the little boys in my group was very fidgety and was getting into everything. He's 5 years old, so that's expected. I asked him several times to show me Magic 6 (peanut butter bottom, pretzel legs, peanut butter hands, seeing eyes, listening ears, thinking brain) and to try to control himself, etc, etc. It really wasn't working. He was getting into everything: the bucket of blocks I had, the books on the shelves around him, the popsicle sticks I was using to pull out of a cup and ask students questions…I didn't know what to do! I was so distracted by trying to keep my lesson going, knowing the whole time that he was distracting the other 5 kids and that no one was listening to me. He'd never been like this before! Eventually I reached my wit's ends and I asked my partner student-teacher to walk him back to the classroom because I didn't think he could handle being with us in the library.

Well. That was a mistake.

He started crying - loudly - and he refused to get up from the rug. In fact he sat in the middle of the rug and wouldn't move.

If you're reading this and you've been a teacher you're probably nodding your head and thinking, "Yeah, well, that happens. Deal with it." Well, it's never happened to me before! And I did NOT know how to deal! All I can say is thank goodness for Anna. Anna eventually got the little boy to leave the library with her. She told me later that they did some deep breathing and she let him go to the bathroom and drink some water. Anna talked with him and then brought him back to the library about 5-7 minutes later while the children were working on their own. I was able to have a conversation with him. He apologized and tearfully explained, "I just get so excited that I can't sit still!"

Urgh. Then my heart broke into a million little pieces. Because of course he was excited and couldn't sit still! I know this student. He is always getting out of his seat during Journal Time to show me his work. He loves learning and getting attention. He is a pretty young kindergartener. How could I have just tried to send him back to class? My Penn Mentor later asked me, "What do you think you could have done to help him relax and work him back into the lesson?" I am so glad she asked that, because I realized for the first time that I didn't want him to come back to the lesson. I wanted him out of my hair so that I could finish teaching the other 5 kids. But he's important and he deserved to finish that lesson. I realized that I could have given him some blocks to play with, given him paper and a pencil to write or draw on, or given him a book to read (we were in the library!). I really regret the way I handled the situation and it has been bothering me ever since it happened.

Thankfully, kids can be resilient and forgiving. I don't think this is going to negatively impact my relationship with this student, but I am going to be very intentional about the way I handle behaviors like overexcitement and moving around. Since this little boy has a hard time sitting still, I may ask him to be my helper in my next lesson to help me pass things out, or something like that. I am still brainstorming about it.

I know there will be many moments to come when I feel awful about a decision I make in the classroom. I think that's why this incident has affected me so much. Because it's the first time it happened. I student taught when I was in college, but I don't remember having an experience like this. My Penn Mentor is always telling me, "Whatever you do, make sure you learn from your mistakes."

I certainly will.